Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
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Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Every photo I’m tagged in
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*