I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
You Might Also Like
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
i meant to share this earlier
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.