cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited