If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔