*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
how it started vs how it ended
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*