I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
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Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
FRED: right
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I cannot call her anything else now
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.