This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
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Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Oh hi lol
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.