*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Social Media and Real life
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.