ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
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A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
We need to put an American base on the sun
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.