May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
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I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Why is this me 😫
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.