Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You Might Also Like
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.