cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
it’s either covid or clever vampires
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it