Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
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A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Not😆🤣
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*