[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
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At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
I’m calling the cops.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”