I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
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Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
I love the honesty
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander