What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]