ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
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whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”