*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”