I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
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Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.