Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.