5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
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While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.