It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
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[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me irl
Botany good plants lately?
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
it was love at first sight
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.