Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Stop sending me this shit.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July