Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
i baked you a cake
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.