I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
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Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Can. I. Help. You.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
respect
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.