A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
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I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
🤭😂
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…