Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
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Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof