How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Natural selection at its finest
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Dear Lord..
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]