Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?