I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
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Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Oh my God.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.