“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
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i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?