“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
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‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Current mood: Potato
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
just got my engagement photos
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?