it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
incredible text to wake up to
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.