KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
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Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.