You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
this will hang in the louvre one day
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise