Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
You Might Also Like
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]