Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
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Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
“and how does that make you feel?”
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.