date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
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Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
The French cow says MEUX…
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!