Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
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[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
B
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.