They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
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[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Vodka burrito was a success
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Some people were born into their job.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what