WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget