At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
called in thicc to work this morning
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear