911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
dream blunt rotation
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*