Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
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99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
lmfao
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”