*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
The struggle is real.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.