Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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Just parrot things
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Europe. Made in Germany.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.