Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
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imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO