4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.