i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
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Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.