Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
You Might Also Like
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?